On 30.

I May Be Old, But at Least I'm not like all those other old guys--Five Iron Frenzy

All my life I've pictured 30 as being the age of no return--the age when you officially become a grown-up.

I suppose it was because I remember my parents both turning 30. I remember the "Over the Hill" balloons, the surprise parties and the jokes about having one foot in the grave. I didn't understand all of it then, but I did get that there was some kind of change. Because I'm the oldest of my siblings, cousins and most of my friends, I had very few people around who hit that age before me. The few 30-year-old friends I had were the butt of my jokes about old age and biological clocks.

With that mentality, I guess it's no surprise that I freaked out in the months, weeks and days leading up to my 30th birthday. I realized that my youthful days were over, that I'm now a man with responsibilities and that many of the things I used to enjoy are in my past. I began to think more about death and how, in the next 10 years, I will likely have to say goodbye to some people I dearly love. I also began to think about the dreams I used to have and began to question whether it was still wise to have those hopes and plans or whether I should just abandon them and settle for jobs that are practical and allow me to survive. All the while, the echo in my head was of the Captain from "Wall-E" saying: "I don't want to survive, I want to live."

But the morning of my 30th came and went. And rather than wake up to questions and dread, I found a renewed sense of optimism and hope, a shot of energy and motivation that has been missing lately. Rather than feel that I was at the end of my 20s, I realized something else: I'm at the beginning of adulthood. I spent 10 years wrestling with identity, plans, hopes and fears...now that I know myself better, maybe it's time to dance.

I'm sure part of that was the result of a much-needed vacation. I spent four days in the Cincinnati area with my family and came home refreshed and relaxed. Not because of the trip itself, mind you. It wasn't the roller coasters at Kings Island that did it or the fish at the aquarium, although that was all a lot of fun. Rather it was the time spent with family and realizing that no matter what changes in my life, these are the people who I will be surrounded with...and that I couldn't ask for a better group of people. As I watched my 1-year-old niece and nephew take in the sites of the trip I realized that what matters is not the things I do at work or the accomplishments I may or may not have as a writer. Rather it's the need to be a good role model and positive influence in the lives of these two young persons and the hope that, 10 years from now, I'll have my own kids looking up to me.

Another part of it was that I happened to come across some old journals yesterday, written anywhere from 10-15 years ago. And as I read my old entries from high school and college I realized just how much was pressing on me at those times that, a decade later, is forgotten or laughed about. There were entries where I moaned about the "worst day of my life"...and I realized I'd forgotten all about it. There were worries about being stuck at the same job forever...and I realized I've changed careers several times since then. There were the pinings after women I was sure I loved...and I realized I'd forgotten most of their names and faces.

Many of the questions I asked in my late high school and early college years are the same questions I still wrestle with. But perspective calms one down a bit. As I thought back on my 20s, I realize just how much had changed and shifted--I've changed careers three times, churches twice and acquired several new groups of friends. I realize that change slows down a bit in the 30s as you become more established, but there's also the exciting realization that some things WILL change. I have a good job right now, but I don't know that I'll be there 10 years from now...I'm excited to see where I go from there. I've started recreational writing again this year...could I be published 10 years from now? Will I still be in Michigan? Will I get married? Become a father? What will I know 10 years from now that I don't know now. If my 40-year-old self visited me today, would he laugh at the beliefs and ideals I hold now, cluck his tongue at my habits and sit me down and tell me that things are about to get really exciting?

Because I have a feeling the 30s might just be fun. This grown up thing could have its benefits. And although I'm sure I will look back on my 20s with nostalgia, the truth is that on this side of the 30th Birthday I'm looking forward and chomping at the bit to get started.

-C